


Fear of the Water

by warrenxpath



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, Canon Fix-It, Destiel if you squint - Freeform, First Kiss, Fluff, Heavy Angst, M/M, Preferably From Gabriel, Sam Winchester Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2020-09-18 20:10:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20318806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/warrenxpath/pseuds/warrenxpath
Summary: In which Sam takes Gabriel’s death particularly hard.





	1. As It Was

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So basically this is set in early season 14. Super angsty so you have been warned ;)

When Gabriel hit the ground, wings seared into the earth beneath him, Sam felt nothing. For a moment he was completely numb. There was a roaring in his ears like ocean waves or his own blood, and he thought he heard Dean call his name, but he was fine. Why wouldn’t he be?

He shoved Dean through the rift, took one last look at the archangel’s body, and turned.

  
Being back in the bunker was a shock, the walls and the smells and all the people standing looking at him. The roaring hadn’t stopped and it was Dean’s hand on his shoulder that set him off. He slapped his brother’s hand aside and swore at him and that was all. But Sam was angry. He was angry at Michael for taking Mary and Jack and for killing Gabriel. He was angry at Chuck, wherever he was, for not doing anything to stop it. He was angry with Gabriel for not listening to him, for dying again. But he was the most angry with himself for letting it happen. For letting it happen right in front of him.

  
And when Bobby raised a toast to the Winchesters, Sam left. He took off down the hall. He didn’t deserve Bobby’s praise or gratitude. He felt like a complete failure, and as he sat on his bed, he couldn’t help but think, somehow, Gabriel had known he would die in Apocalypse World, that he would die so the Winchesters had a few more seconds to slip through the rift.

  
Sam’s fists clenched into the comforter of the bed.

  
_ A couple seconds wasn’t worth losing you._

~

It felt like years had gone by in a matter of days. Dean was gone; Michael had taken him, and no matter how late Sam stayed up researching nothing surfaced. There was one night where Sam had had too much to drink, and he actually got down and prayed for the first time in years. The entire time, he really wasn’t sure who he was praying to.

  
Days turned into weeks, and nothing changed. Dean was still gone. And Sam was here. Doing absolutely nothing.

  
On one occasion, Sam came out of the bathroom with his right hand shoved into his jacket pocket. Cas watched him storm out the bunker door without a word. When Cas looked in the bathroom, the mirror was in pieces and the sink was stained red with blood. Sam didn’t speak about it.

  
And there were those nights when everyone was asleep, and Sam would go to his room and lay awake, staring at the ceiling. It was during those long nights that he felt really, truly alone. It was dark and quiet and isolated and sometimes he would catch himself breathing unevenly, tears spilling down his cheeks. He would force a hand over his mouth to smother the sobs because God forbid Cas or Jack hear him.

  
Tonight was one of those nights. Sam held his hands to his face and broke down. Hours passed. And then there was a knock at the door.

  
Sam stiffened and sat up, brushing away any evidence of tears.

  
“Yeah?” His voice was rough and gravely and he cleared his throat as best he could as the door creaked open.

  
It was Jack, looking a bit lost in the half light of the bunker. He managed a smile that was barely visible in the dark of Sam’s room. “Hi, Sam.”

  
“Jack,” Sam smiled and pulled a hand through his hair. “You’re up late.”

  
“I don’t sleep much.”

  
Sam nodded faintly. “Right.”

  
Jack shifted a bit on his feet. “I-I brought you something.”

  
Sam raised an eyebrow as Jack stepped into the room and gestured for Sam to give him his hand. Sam obliged and Jack handed him something that rattled faintly at his touch. It was a candy bar.

  
“I thought you might like it.” Jack’s face was hidden in shadow but his voice was warm.

  
“Thanks.”

  
Then, Jack leaned forward and wrapped Sam in a quick embrace. Sam returned it and Jack was gone.

  
The darkness was suffocating and Sam realized he wished Jack had stayed for a bit longer.

Trying to refocus his thoughts, Sam peered down at the candy bar in his hand. In the darkness, it was impossible to tell exactly what kind it was but the longer Sam stared at it, the more a strange feeling settled in his chest. The candy should have been a comfort but Sam realized it was a grating reminder. The candy bar reminded him of Gabriel, and that was not something Sam was prepared to ponder while sober.

  
He stumbled out of his room and into the bunker library, towing along a large flask of whiskey. The room was quiet, and Sam was quickly extremely drunk. That was the way Castiel found him.

  
Sam barely looked up when Cas sat down across from him. “Sam—“

  
“Do you miss him?”

  
Cas tilted his head to the side in confusion but quickly found the candy bar set right beside Sam’s shaking hand. He sighed and settled back into his chair. “Most days. Some more than others.”

  
Sam laughed but it was brittle, unfamiliar. He took another swig of whiskey. “Well, I don’t.”

  
“Sam—“

  
“I _don’t_,”Sam said with more force, but his eyes were glistening as he met the angel’s gaze. “He was loud and obnoxious and arrogant and…”

  
He trailed off and busied his fingers with the candy wrapper. Cas watched him sadly, trying to think of something to say.

  
After a moment, Sam took a shaky breath. “After seeing what Asmodeus did to him it was different. I felt...different. Something about him. It was like...I would look at him and he...”

  
“He reminded you of yourself.”

  
Sam’s head shot up, eyes wide and swimming. He didn’t bother nodding.

  
Cas’s eyes were alight with sympathy. “You know he cared about you.”

  
There was a pause in which Sam stiffened, and then he scoffed despondently.

  
Cas leaned forward in his chair, forcing the hunter to look at him. “He did, Sam. If he were here—“

  
“Cas,” Sam looked away, shaking his head. “Stop.”

  
“If he were here—“

  
“I said stop!” The anger in Sam’s tone made Cas flinch. Sam’s voice was breaking, and he reached for the flask without drinking from it. “Just don’t.”

  
“Sam,” Cas sighed. “He wouldn’t have wanted this for you.”

  
Sam laughed that harsh laugh again. “Yeah, well…”

  
He didn’t finish. His breathing was getting shallower again as he fought back tears. He glared at the whiskey, drank more, and left Cas without another word. The angel dropped his head in his hands. The candy bar sat on the table.

~

Sam was well and truly drunk. He stumbled down the bunker hallways for what felt like hours, searching for his room. When he finally found it, he stepped inside, flicked the light switch on, and shut the door but didn’t move away. His head sank against the door frame, eyes squeezed shut.

  
The smell was the first thing to penetrate. It was musty and when Sam breathed he tasted dust. Sam raised his head and groaned. His bedroom walls were covered in Enochian which meant they _weren’t_ his walls.

  
He had stumbled into Gabriel’s room.

  
That cold, empty sensation settled in his gut, and he felt himself sliding to the ground with his back against the door. He thought maybe he should leave. He thought he should _definitely_ leave. But he didn’t.

  
He hadn’t been inside Gabriel’s room since the archangel had first staggered out of it. Since all of this had started. The room hadn’t changed in the slightest.

  
Sam still remembered stepping in the dark months ago and finding Gabriel tucked in the corner beside his dresser, broken. He remembered seeing the Enochian lettering on the walls for the first time, and he remembered how he wished he could read it himself. He still did. They were Gabriel’s words, Gabriel’s story, and all they looked like to Sam was gibberish.

  
The tightness in his chest didn’t dissipate. Sam pulled a hand over his face feeling the scruff on his cheeks (when had he stopped shaving?).

  
“Gabriel, are you there?”

  
It took him a moment to realize he had been the one to speak. But then he spoke again, eyes closed tightly. “God, Gabriel, tell me you’re there.”

  
He was greeted with cold, glaring silence.

  
He laughed. “That’s what I thought.” (But that wasn’t true. He had thought—)

  
Sam shook his head to clear his thoughts and lurched to his feet, reaching for the door handle.

  
When Sam Winchester left that bedroom, he gave up hope.

~

The Empty was a cold, dark, _empty_ place. Most wouldn’t notice because most never woke up. But today was different, and Gabriel wasn’t “most”.

  
At first, Gabriel wasn’t sure what woke him. He was exhausted; he wanted to sleep again, wanted to give in and drift off into the nothing, the Empty.

  
But then he heard it.

  
Four words. Four words that would have meant absolutely nothing to anyone else but meant everything to him.

  
_ Gabriel, are you there?_

~

_I’m here, Sam. Don’t leave me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading!!   
Let me know if you want a part two.


	2. As It Might Have Been

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sam thinks it’s too good to be true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you so much to all those amazing people who commented on the last chapter and for all those who actually took the time to read my terrible writing. This chapter is set during episode 8 of season 14. I hope you enjoy :))

The bunker was deathly silent as Sam took a shuddering breath and, without looking at his brother or Castiel, uttered two words, his voice breaking.

“He’s gone.”

He heard Dean storm out, but Cas stayed and placed a gentle hand on Sam’s shoulder. Sam couldn’t look away from Jack’s body prone on his bed, eyes shut to the world. He felt that familiar pang in his chest that made it difficult to breathe, and he quickly left the room. Cas didn’t try to stop him.

As Sam walked the halls, he was suddenly struck by how empty the bunker could be. It was such a big place and most of the time he felt that, but until now he hadn’t quite realized how lonely it could become.

It had been a few weeks since Dean had somehow escaped from Michael’s influence and months since their adventures in Apocalypse World. Sam liked to think he had processed that grief and trauma and moved on. But sometimes when he was left alone he could feel those memories swimming just within reach, dangerously close to spilling over. It was like he was drowning slowly. He would get his head above water and start to think he could do it, that he could make it, but then something would yank him back down into the dark again. Jack was gone, dead, and Sam couldn’t do anything about it. He was helpless, drowning in deep waters, and that made him angry.

Castiel saw Sam leave the bunker with a duffel bag thrown over his shoulder. He couldn’t bring himself to call after him.

Sam drove for what must have been miles. He couldn’t really remember. The sharp sting of gravel against his jeans tore him back to reality. He was out of the Impala, kneeling with something clutched in his hand. He unclasped his fingers. In the palm of his hand was a vial. To anyone else it would have looked empty, but Sam could still feel the warmth of Gabriel’s grace radiating from it.

Something snapped. With a guttural yell, Sam threw the vial against the ground with such force that it shattered. He stared at the small cuts on his knuckles for a moment, numb to the pain, and reached into his duffel bag for the axe. He needed wood for a funeral pyre. Jack would have wanted a hunter’s funeral so that was what he would get.

When Dean and Cas found him, face buried in his hands, Sam simply gestured to the axe lying on the ground in pieces. “I tried to make a pyre,” he murmured. “I couldn’t even do that much for him.”

If Castiel noticed the shards of glass a few inches from the Impala or the cuts on Sam’s hands, he didn’t bring it up.

The drive back to the bunker went by in a heavy silence. Castiel had offered to drive back alone, giving the two brothers a chance to talk. That worked out well. Sam didn’t speak, and Dean clenched the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles turned white with the strain the longer the silence stretched.

They pulled in seconds before Cas did and that’s when Dean lost it. He swore loudly and beat his fists against the steering wheel repeatedly. Sam flinched at the sudden outburst but didn’t do anything to stop it.

“Dean—“

“_Every time_,” Dean’s voice was dangerously low, eyes bright with rage. “Every _fucking_ time.”

He didn’t say anything else and opened the driver side door with unnecessary force, ignoring Cas’ call as he stormed back into the bunker.

Sam followed at a slower pace, shooting a sympathetic glance at Cas, who looked like the drive alone had not treated him well. Cas managed a sad smile before leading the way inside—

—just in time to hear Dean screech “SON OF A BITCH!”

That was enough to jerk Sam and Cas out of their melancholy. They sprinted down the hallway toward where Dean’s voice had emanated from. They tore around the corner and found the door to Jack’s room open. Without a second of hesitation, the pair flew through, gun cocked and angel blade in hand.

Almost immediately Cas’ blade fell to the ground with a clatter.

Dean was standing close to the door, eyes wide at the display in front of him. It took Sam a moment to wrap his mind around what he was seeing.

Jack was sitting up in his bed, eyes bright, a wide smile plastered across his face.

Very much alive.

But believe it or not, that wasn’t the hardest thing for Sam to comprehend.

Standing with his back to them was a short man wearing a leather jacket and faded jeans, hand against Jack’s shoulder. After a moment, he turned and Sam was met with an all too familiar shit eating grin, eyes still glowing from when he had used his grace.

“Hey, guys. Miss me?”

Dean made some kind of strangled noise that could have been a faint _holy fuck_, but Sam barely heard him. He realized with slight surprise that his gun was still pointed at the man in front of him, and he lowered it slowly. Cas was the first to break the silence that had ensued.

“Gabriel?”

Gabriel grinned. “Got it in one, little bro.”

Sam heard Jack laughing and he could see Cas’ mouth gaping open beside him, but he pushed those observations aside and he was moving, barreling, toward Gabriel, gun slipping from his fingers.

The archangel smirked. “Hey there, Sa—“

He was cut off mid-sentence when Sam punched him square in the jaw.

You could practically feel the shock waves coursing through the room. There was a silence in which you could have heard a pin drop as everyone contemplated the repercussions of Sam’s not particularly warm welcome. Then, Gabriel swore loudly.

“Jesus _Christ_, Sam!” He winced and brought a hand to his jaw. “You certainly don’t pull those punches. Good to see you too—oof!”

Gabriel was cut off again as Sam pulled him harshly against his chest. The embrace caught Gabriel off guard, but the tension quickly drained out of him as he breathed in that scent that was pure Sam.

Sam buried his nose in Gabriel’s hair, and he murmured something only Gabriel could hear. “You were gone too long.”

The archangel Gabriel didn’t cry, he just didn’t, but with the younger Winchester in his arms, he got a bit teary eyed (although he would never admit it). “I know, kiddo. Sorry.”

“How?” _How are you here?_

Gabriel responded warmly. “You called, didn’t you?”

Sam pulled away and suddenly there was a flurry of movement. Cas pushed past Sam and nearly knocked his brother over with the intensity of his hug. Gabriel grunted, patting him on the back awkwardly. Even so Sam could see how tightly he latched on to his brother.

Sam turned to Jack and laughed without thinking of it before pulling Jack into an embrace that Jack returned tenfold. Sam felt his heart swell. Dean grinned and ruffled Jack’s hair before hugging him as well. “Son of a bitch, kid,” he breathed.

They decided to move the reunion into the bunker library. Gabriel broke out his candy stash from wherever he kept it, and Dean pulled out the beers, and the five of them sat and talked for what must have been hours. Dean was in such a good mood that he let Jack have a sip of his beer.

Gabe and Cas started telling stories about heaven and their siblings and for once it wasn’t because of some case or the impending apocalypse. The pair were quite the storytellers, and Sam didn’t think he’d ever heard Gabriel laugh before the way he did that night. I mean, he’d heard that snarky half laugh, but the kind of laughter that you only hear when someone is really, truly happy? For Gabe it sounded amazingly warm, and it was infectious as hell. And well, Sam resolved to find ways to make Gabriel laugh like that as often as possible.

Dean was the first to fall asleep. Sam hadn’t realized how late it actually was until his brother’s head had sunk against his chest, beer still in hand. Gabriel chuckled, and Cas gave Dean an affectionate look before he declared he was going to take the older Winchester to bed. Jack decided he was tired as well but didn’t leave without giving Sam a tight hug and sending a warm “Good night, Uncle Gabe” (Gabriel had had too much to drink and almost started crying in earnest at the words) over his shoulder before heading to bed.

Sam and Gabriel sat in a comfortable silence. Sam couldn’t remember the last time he had felt this content. The alcohol had given him a warm buzz, but apparently he was a little bit too drunk because Gabriel quickly pointed out how his head was beginning to nod.

“Come on, kiddo. You need sleep.”

Sam was about to protest, but Gabriel was suddenly right next to him, hoisting him out of his chair. He was surprisingly strong for his small stature.

“I’m not that short, jackass. You’re just freakishly tall.” Gabriel protested.

Sam realized he must have spoken aloud. He grinned stupidly; he really shouldn't have had so many beers.

Sam didn’t remember the trip back to his bedroom (he suspected Gabriel had teleported them there), but once there he unceremoniously collapsed onto his bed without a word. Gabriel shook his head with unadulterated affection in his gaze and turned to leave, but was stopped mid step.

Sam had reached out and caught Gabriel’s wrist. “Stay,” his voice was heavy with sleep. “Please.”

Needless to say Gabriel didn’t need much more convincing. Sam shifted over a bit and Gabriel lied down beside him so that they were facing each other. He tried to ignore the desire to take Sam’s hand in his. Neither one spoke and after several minutes passed Gabriel began to think Sam had drifted off. He was wrong.

“I prayed to you, you know.”

Sam’s voice wasn’t as carefree sounding as it had been minutes ago in the library. He sounded strained, tired.

“Gabe?”

Gabriel swallowed. “I know. I heard.”

Sam didn’t respond at first, and Gabriel wished he could see his face in the dark.

“I told you not to,” Sam whispered. “I told you it wasn’t worth it.”

Gabriel didn’t particularly enjoy thinking about the last time he had seen Sam, the glint in Michael’s eyes as he drove the archangel blade into Gabriel’s stomach. “I had to make sure you and Dean got through the rift.”

“We could have made it through without you getting yourself killed.” Gabriel was surprised at the bitterness in Sam’s tone. He opened his mouth to respond, but instead opted to pull Sam closer to him.

“Well, I’m here now. That’s all that matters.”

Sam scoffed despite himself, head buried against Gabriel’s chest. “Did you mean for that to sound super cheesy?”

Gabriel shrugged. “Maybe a little.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Love you too.”

The words should have made Sam laugh, but they didn’t. Instead he pulled away from Gabriel’s embrace, trying to catch a glimpse of the archangel’s whiskey gold eyes in the dark. He could faintly see Gabriel’s hair curling slightly around his ears, and Sam had definitely had far too much to drink because he was suddenly leaning in and pressing his lips to Gabriel’s.

It was a chaste kiss, and Sam pulled away almost immediately, trying not to think about how Gabrie’s mouth tasted like chocolate or how he’d probably taken it too far or how much he wanted to do it again—

But then _Gabriel_ was kissing him, fingers tangling in his hair. This time the kiss was anything but chaste as the archangel teased at Sam’s lips. Sam moaned into the kiss. A warm feeling rushed through his body, and he sat up so he was pushing Gabriel down into the bed, fighting for some sort of dominance. He could practically feel Gabriel’s smirk as his hands trailed just beneath the hem of Sam’s shirt. The touch sent all sorts of chills up and down Sam’s spine.

Sam pulled away to trail kisses along Gabriel’s neck and collar bone. And God, the sounds Gabriel made. His body arched up against Sam’s and that warmth Sam was feeling was probably the best thing he’d felt in a long time.

When the two finally broke apart, Sam didn’t think he’d ever be able to catch his breath. Gabriel laughed hoarsely, fingers still entwined in the hair at the base of Sam’s neck, and even though he couldn’t quite see in the dark of his room, Sam could imagine that flushed look on Gabriel’s face. He grinned despite himself and pulled Gabriel to his chest.

“You better not leave me again,” Sam murmured.

Gabriel buried his face in Sam’s neck, leaving a lingering kiss against his skin.

“Wouldn’t dream of it, kiddo.”

~

The bed was empty when Sam woke, the sheets beside him cold.

Jack was still gone.

And this time so was Gabriel.

~

_ I’m sorry, Sam. I’m so sorry._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *manic laughter* you thought it was going to end hAPPILY?? Joke’s on you, my friends.  
Anyway...  
Once again I really really appreciate all the amazing feedback as this is my first fanfic. You guys are awesome.  
I am planning another Sabriel fic that will (hopefully) be a great deal longer than this one, so stay tuned. We’ll see how it goes with school being back in session (ugh).  
Until next time, thanks for reading :))))))))


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